Self Care Through Solo Sex
How do you approach your body when you masturbate? Do you do it in secret? In a rush? Do you have a ritual where you get all the accoutrements ready at *ahem* at hand? When your hand or toy makes contact with your body, what is in your head? Where are you in space and time? Is your “self” even in your imaginings? Are you looking at a screen and not thinking about yourself at all?
When I ask questions such as this in my sessions, the answers are as unique as the fingerprints of the people talking to me. With very rare exception, people view self pleasure as a last resort when partnered play is not available to them either in the moment, the week or an extended period of time. Sex with another person is long considered to be the apex sexual experience and solo play is just what you do when you don’t have access to another person's body. In my heart of heart’s I believe this way of thinking is the first mistake people make as they consider their sexual needs.
The root of this idea lies in our old friend The Narrative. The Narrative is what I call the presumably age-old way of structuring society and the moral codes embedded in said society that stemmed from the Christian-ifcation of our lives. Monogamy by default has only really been “the way things are done” for the past 200 years or so. The idea that romantic coupling, getting married and popping out offspring and staying monogamous and faithful is the best way to live is deeply rooted in Christian belief and predicates on women being essentially the property of their husbands. You should only want partnered sex because Jesus, right? You are only supposed to be fucking for baby making, right?
Stepping back and seeing the structuring of society for what it is, is super illuminating. We say out loud that masturbating is ok, but do we really internalize this? Do you share honestly with your romantic partners about how often you actually give yourself an orgasm? I know more people who lie about it than are truthful. Often people in couples feel upset or left out and hurt by a partner’s masturbating. I find this to be absolutely ridiculous and a most dangerous form of coercive control, but yet, so many people find it totally understandable.
Let’s look at masturbation in a different way. In order to divorce it from negative thoughts surrounding it, I am going to call it solo sex. If we were sexually healthy as a society, we would see solo sex and partnered sex as two sides of the same coin. Solo sex is for many a coping mechanism, but if we were really to distill it into it’s finest form, it is self care. Solo sex is a beautiful opportunity for us to spend intentional time getting to know exactly how we like to be touched. It is at it’s core tension release, right? We promote going to get a massage, a nail salon, hair done, but getting off and having an amazing flood of dopamine we gave ourselves? No way, that’s shameful as hell!
Imagine if when you needed to let go of a day and you created for yourself a tableau suitable for wooing a new date. Think lit candles, massage oil and taking space to put down the phone, even the porn, and just…loved on yourself. Really let go. Be in the moment, in your body. Make love to your own body. Touch yourself in all the places that you want to be touched. To stand in your own sexual truth is freedom, agency and it feels so damn good to claim your space.
We engage in self care to prioritize mental health. Can’t pour from an empty cup, right? I have said a lot here, so, chew on it, mull it over. Examine your relationship to solo sex, and see if improvements can be made. If you make them, I want to hear about it!
